29 August, 2010

Overwhelming love

WARNING: Long post ahead.

I think I'm starting to really come to terms with the fact that I'm married to a non-human I love so much. It has taken me almost 15 years to "completely accept" B. and it has been an uphill battle, though at first I tried to avoid dealing with it directly. I thought I was starting to solve the struggle when dating "That" other scaly, but when it ended, the struggle was still there, intact. From then on, I've tried working on it.

About 2 months ago, I was like "WHY CAN'T I COME TO TERMS WITH IT?!", and the anguish seemed bitter. It dawned on me: I no longer have a problem with lusting for other scalies (I developed some penchant for them over the years), but I still have issues lusting for B., my legitimate scaly for 14 years. I love him a lot, but have felt like I'm committing some kind of horrible sin if I felt the slightest lust for him, and that guilt feeling would make me "hide" behind black eyeshadow or drink to numb it.

It wasn't until last month when, at school, I felt I was finally starting to "completely accept" B. I still have a long way to go, but I found myself lusting for him and, for the first time, I felt less weird in doing so. Realising that feeling was like a "happy drug" for me. Now I'm wanting him more and more, and feeling less and less guilty each time. I long to be in his arms, to feel safe, loved... desired and posessed by my non-human true love, to be hypnotised and bewitched by him, to be his so he himself helps me in overcoming the struggle and guilt feelings. I want him to keep making me feel protected and cared for.

Despite starting to come to terms with lusting for him, the love I feel for him is so strong it does some kind of Force Choke on me, and it makes me either euphoric or anxious. It pulls me to the ocean floor and more often than not, it keeps me there. Only difference is, now it feels like I'm starting to use an oxygen tank, even if it still leaves me literally gasping for air.

Wow, that has been my most intimate confession so far! Now you see why I can't show my true face or name names.

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